Life is teaching me so many important lessons these days

I decorated my mother's room at the nursing home for the holidays. I hung a colorful wreath on the wall. I put a small rosemary tree on her bedside table and decorated that with a string of red and gold ribbon. I made a holiday scene on the corkboard at the head of her bed. I sang "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" as I moved about with my decorating process. (I am not known for my singing talent but unfortunately for those who spend the most time around me-- I love to sing!) It looked like Mom was interested in my activities. She raised her eyebrows, indicating curiosity.

Putting up decorations in Mom's room is clearly more for my appreciation and for the enjoyment of the staff who care for Mom than it is for her pleasure. But this is the season for increased joy and generosity. I hope that our experience of the festive environment can be translated into something Mom experiences as warm and delightful.

I am reminded of my shopping trip back in the summer when I went to Target looking for a birthday gift for Mom. I started to cry right there in the store. The sadness came from realizing there was nothing I could find that she would enjoy. Macular degeneration has taken her sight. Her movements are random and spastic so she is no longer able to reach for or hold anything with intention. If she can hear-- her responses to sounds are not consistent. Most of the time it would seem she is deaf. I ended up purchasing a soft green blanket for her birthday and I think she enjoys it. I know that I enjoy pulling it up around her shoulders.

But there is a positive side to the sadness in this experience. While the store offers almost nothing that my mother can enjoy, there is much that my mother can still enjoy. What she now enjoys and appreciates is more valuable than those things we can get at the store. Money can not buy human attention and touch. It's just not for sale-- even at Target.

Life is teaching me so many important lessons these days. I am learning so much from my relationship with my mother. In spite of her disease and her dementia, she has much to give. The privilege of being with her these days has made me aware of the value of human compassion. Our relationship has shown me how to nurture and develop my own source of compassion.

This is the gift my mother is giving me for Christmas this year. She didn't spend a dime on it.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! It is gray, cold and wet here in Tennessee-- just as it should be for Thanksgiving Day. The colors of the leaves seem more beautiful against a gloomy background. And the turkey tastes better after a brisk walk through chilly air.

My mother is in her bed at the nursing home. She always appears comfortable these days. Like an infant in a crib, she lies in her bed and entertains herself with kicking and reaching, making noises and smacking her lips.

I found tears in my eyes last night as I told her that tomorrow would be Thanksgiving Day. I miss being with her on this holiday, being with her in her home on the hill outside Nashville where she baked the most excellent pies in all the world. She also made yeast rolls that had a touch of orange peel in them, a festive flavor. I've never had rolls like that anywhere else. I miss playing Anagrams and Scrabble with her. She beat me every time, hands down. But I'd like to have another chance to challenge her.

My mother is here with me but I miss her. Our relationship now is limited by what Alzheimer's has left behind. Holiday memories are sweet and powerful. I'm thankful today for the apparent comfort my mother experiences. She appears content and for that I am grateful to the nursing home staff and to the Love that surrounds us all.

I bought a fabulous pie, apple/caramel with pecans, at Fresh Market. And I feel certain that somebody at today's pot luck will provide great dinner rolls to be lathered in butter. I'll enjoy my meal, my friends and my memories-- knowing that so much of what I have to be grateful for today is because of the goodness in my Mother's heart and how she has shared that goodness with me.

Caregivers

I just returned home from a trip to Americus, Georgia where I learned about the Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregivers. Because I am the primary caregiver for my mother who lives with Alzheimer's disease, I found the RCI to be a treasure. The institute is located on the campus of Georgia Southwestern University in Americus. www.rosalynncarter.org The purpose of the institute is to support caregivers and to provide help for those who care for family members in the home. I have been responsible for my mother's care for over four years. Each decision made along the way has come as part of an entirely new education process for me. In spite of the fact that I am a pastor and a registered nurse, I have felt unprepared for dealing with my mother's deteriorating condition and the costs...emotional, social, physical and financial. The RCI has given thought to all aspects of living with and caring for aging and ill family members. The program trains professionals to take leadership roles in communities: advocating for, teaching and providing support in the lives of ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances.

I wonder about other people out there...middle aged working people who have found yourself responsible for the care of your mother and/ or father. I wonder what kinds of support you have found for your daily life. I wonder what lessons you have learned. I would like to start a conversation... so let me hear from you.